If being a mommy was given titles like classes at school the following would be my class schedule.
Home economics: Where I run around trying to clean, cook breakfast, keep my child entertained and get ready for work all at the same time.
Business: 8 hours of work. Meetings, email, phone calls and memos.
Driver's Ed: Navigating my 60 minute commute to DC and home through rush hour traffic.
Algebra: Solve 1t + 1b = 5 million (AKA 1 tube of puffs + 1 baby = 5 million half shrunken snack food pieces stuck to various objects all over my home)
Chemistry: What in the world did you eat that when mixed with stomach acid creates feces of that color, texture and odor!?
Physical Education: Running around the apartment after my 1 year old and getting through bath time.
Music: Blasting Britney Spears and watching Nugget dance with her baby tambourine.
Philosophy: Reading Dr. Suess and contemplating "Green Eggs and Ham"
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Bills, Bills, Bills
I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water with all of my bills. The thing that really bothers me about this is I have a great job, I make good money... yet I am still behind! I have almost maxed out my emergency credit card and I feel a little nervous about that.
Over the past year I have had medical bills, legal fees, mortgage payments, a new set of brakes, new bearings in my car, new hubs... damn car and all of the baby expenses. That stuff eats up cash like crazy! It is truly frustrating.
Another thing that tugs at me is that fact that my mortgage is killing me financially. The house is only in my name and if I was single with no child I would be ok... or if I was married with another income and a child I would be ok... but I am single with a child and I can't sell my condo for another year (due to the first time home buyer's credit). If I was renting a 2 bedroom apt or own a smaller home I would have NOTHING to worry about, at least money wise.
Of course I am not receiving child support (yet). In fact I have spent almost $1000 dollars just arguing over me need for child support while my X feels paying would be a punishment. The silver lining here is his parents want to keep him out of trouble so they will be paying a portion of the child support. If they stay true to their word I will be get $200 a month form them. The child support amount set by the court is more than this and the rest will build up arrears over the next 7 years.
Even without the child support my situation is only temporary. I will have the medical bills and legal fees paid off in the next year and that will help. I am also working towards a certification that will come with a raise. After all of this I should be back on track.
Over the past year I have had medical bills, legal fees, mortgage payments, a new set of brakes, new bearings in my car, new hubs... damn car and all of the baby expenses. That stuff eats up cash like crazy! It is truly frustrating.
Another thing that tugs at me is that fact that my mortgage is killing me financially. The house is only in my name and if I was single with no child I would be ok... or if I was married with another income and a child I would be ok... but I am single with a child and I can't sell my condo for another year (due to the first time home buyer's credit). If I was renting a 2 bedroom apt or own a smaller home I would have NOTHING to worry about, at least money wise.
Of course I am not receiving child support (yet). In fact I have spent almost $1000 dollars just arguing over me need for child support while my X feels paying would be a punishment. The silver lining here is his parents want to keep him out of trouble so they will be paying a portion of the child support. If they stay true to their word I will be get $200 a month form them. The child support amount set by the court is more than this and the rest will build up arrears over the next 7 years.
Even without the child support my situation is only temporary. I will have the medical bills and legal fees paid off in the next year and that will help. I am also working towards a certification that will come with a raise. After all of this I should be back on track.
Friday, July 22, 2011
A happy post :)
I usually post here when there have been developments in my divorce, with my ILs or when I am feeling the stress of my situation. Today I want to let you all know that my life is not all that depressing! I am actually a very happy person! So here are somethings that are making me smile these days...
1) My daughter has so much personality. She smiles and laughs all day long with very few meltdowns. This is a long way from the colicky baby she once was. I love that she is understanding what I say and when I give her simple directions. I know do not feel as if I am always talking to myself... which of course makes me feel less crazy :)
2) I am independent. I lived with my parents less than a year and was able to get back on my own two feet. Yes most months my bank account goes to within my last $40... but I am making it work. I got a promotion and a raise in April and when I get certified in my field in September I will get another raise! At least I know my hard work is paying off.
3) My heart is open again. I am very happy with myself and the woman I have become. I am in a place to accept love again. I hold no punches and have very high expectations. I have no problem being picky. By holding my standards high I am finding a much higher caliber man.
4) I have wonderful family and friends. There are people that are always there for me. They have helped me find my smile over the past year and I can never thank them enough.
1) My daughter has so much personality. She smiles and laughs all day long with very few meltdowns. This is a long way from the colicky baby she once was. I love that she is understanding what I say and when I give her simple directions. I know do not feel as if I am always talking to myself... which of course makes me feel less crazy :)
2) I am independent. I lived with my parents less than a year and was able to get back on my own two feet. Yes most months my bank account goes to within my last $40... but I am making it work. I got a promotion and a raise in April and when I get certified in my field in September I will get another raise! At least I know my hard work is paying off.
3) My heart is open again. I am very happy with myself and the woman I have become. I am in a place to accept love again. I hold no punches and have very high expectations. I have no problem being picky. By holding my standards high I am finding a much higher caliber man.
4) I have wonderful family and friends. There are people that are always there for me. They have helped me find my smile over the past year and I can never thank them enough.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Happy Birthday!
My sweet little girl turns 1 today.
I gave birth to you during the most difficult time of my life. I labored naturally and ended up having surgery to bring you into this world safely. I cried when I saw you for the first time as most mothers do... but my tears came from fear. I was so scared I was going to fail you. That I alone could not possibly be enough for this precious baby. You deserved a "normal" family, a mom and a dad. I had so many plans for you... So many of those plans had to be changed. There has never been a time in my life where I have felt so unworthy and so scared.
Here we are a year later. Nugget you are the amazing thing in this world. My fear melted away over a short time. When I look into your eyes I become a warrior. I will fight for you until the day I die. I will guide you and protect you. Being your mother may have saved me and I promise to spend every day making this life the best one I can for you.
I gave birth to you during the most difficult time of my life. I labored naturally and ended up having surgery to bring you into this world safely. I cried when I saw you for the first time as most mothers do... but my tears came from fear. I was so scared I was going to fail you. That I alone could not possibly be enough for this precious baby. You deserved a "normal" family, a mom and a dad. I had so many plans for you... So many of those plans had to be changed. There has never been a time in my life where I have felt so unworthy and so scared.
Here we are a year later. Nugget you are the amazing thing in this world. My fear melted away over a short time. When I look into your eyes I become a warrior. I will fight for you until the day I die. I will guide you and protect you. Being your mother may have saved me and I promise to spend every day making this life the best one I can for you.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Showing his love..
My X's lawyer sent my lawyer paperwork asking that we reach and agreement on support... Meaning he wants me to agree that he doesn't have to pay CS. If I don't agree then he would like the following items returned to him:
Queen bed, double bed, computer/speakers, grill, patio furniture, vacuum, LCD TV, coffee table, washer, dryer, dining table, all dishes/pots/pans/silverware, stand up freezer, tools, tool box, tennis raquet, tennis bag, and a bicycle
I am thinking the judge is going to side eye this cause she already did when he made reference to this request in court.
It is good to know that though he claims to love his daughter SOO SOO MUCH.. that he does not want to support her and is willing to take away all of her/her mother's comforts/furniture in order to avoid supporting her. I am sure this will someday demonstrate how much he really "cares" about DD.
Oh yeah... If the judge does grant the request... I hope he enjoys all of that stuff from afar since he wont even be in the same zip code for at least 7 years!
Queen bed, double bed, computer/speakers, grill, patio furniture, vacuum, LCD TV, coffee table, washer, dryer, dining table, all dishes/pots/pans/silverware, stand up freezer, tools, tool box, tennis raquet, tennis bag, and a bicycle
I am thinking the judge is going to side eye this cause she already did when he made reference to this request in court.
It is good to know that though he claims to love his daughter SOO SOO MUCH.. that he does not want to support her and is willing to take away all of her/her mother's comforts/furniture in order to avoid supporting her. I am sure this will someday demonstrate how much he really "cares" about DD.
Oh yeah... If the judge does grant the request... I hope he enjoys all of that stuff from afar since he wont even be in the same zip code for at least 7 years!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Divorce Pre-Trial
Yesterday I spent most of my time in the Franklin County Courthouse. I will say at least it is an entertaining place... lots of good people watching to do there! I was there for my divorce pre-trial and even though I knew I had a major upper hand I was still a ball of nerves.
I did not go to the temporary orders hearing previously held, because my lawyer reccomended I sit that one out, but I went to the pre-trial. I wanted the judge to see my face. I wanted her to look at the woman who was defending her daughter from the absent criminal. My blonde hair, young innocent face spattered with freckles... I also wanted her to see my genuine reactions. If I cried I wanted her to feel it. I wasn't putting up a front, I wanted her to see the true me.
As I sat at the table with my lawyer the Honorable Judge Kim Brown proceeded to ask her questions.
"What could we possibly be fighting over in this divorce?"
I liked her already. It seemed obvious to her that this should be easy. My X's lawyer spoke up about wanting visitation... the Judge practically cut him off by saying there was "NO WAY" she would grant prison visits. I liked her even more. She then asked why X was in prison...
"What was he convicted of?" asked Judge Brown
The lawyer seemd a little flustered by what I thought was an obvious question, but eventually responded
"Receipt of child pornagraphy"
There was a collective gasp in the courtroom by the couple waiting to be seen after us, the baliff and the courtroom secretary. I guess I forgot how fresh it can feel to hear those words... how raw and frightening. Not that I am numb to it, but it is a very real and scary part of my life. I do not have time to be shocked by it anymore.
Judge Brown gave a very exagerated side-eyed glance towards X's lawyer. She was on my side. I felt a sense of relief. Everything went pretty fast after that. Since we technically do not agree to the terms of our divorce we set a trial date. I am hoping that X will take what the Judge said to heart and just sign the papers before then... but who knows!?
I am glad I went. I am glad it went well. Most of all I am glad my daughter is safe for now.
I did not go to the temporary orders hearing previously held, because my lawyer reccomended I sit that one out, but I went to the pre-trial. I wanted the judge to see my face. I wanted her to look at the woman who was defending her daughter from the absent criminal. My blonde hair, young innocent face spattered with freckles... I also wanted her to see my genuine reactions. If I cried I wanted her to feel it. I wasn't putting up a front, I wanted her to see the true me.
As I sat at the table with my lawyer the Honorable Judge Kim Brown proceeded to ask her questions.
"What could we possibly be fighting over in this divorce?"
I liked her already. It seemed obvious to her that this should be easy. My X's lawyer spoke up about wanting visitation... the Judge practically cut him off by saying there was "NO WAY" she would grant prison visits. I liked her even more. She then asked why X was in prison...
"What was he convicted of?" asked Judge Brown
The lawyer seemd a little flustered by what I thought was an obvious question, but eventually responded
"Receipt of child pornagraphy"
There was a collective gasp in the courtroom by the couple waiting to be seen after us, the baliff and the courtroom secretary. I guess I forgot how fresh it can feel to hear those words... how raw and frightening. Not that I am numb to it, but it is a very real and scary part of my life. I do not have time to be shocked by it anymore.
Judge Brown gave a very exagerated side-eyed glance towards X's lawyer. She was on my side. I felt a sense of relief. Everything went pretty fast after that. Since we technically do not agree to the terms of our divorce we set a trial date. I am hoping that X will take what the Judge said to heart and just sign the papers before then... but who knows!?
I am glad I went. I am glad it went well. Most of all I am glad my daughter is safe for now.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Acceptance..
I am in this stage now. I have not completely gotten there... maybe because he is dragging out the divorce... maybe because I will never accept what he did.
When someone dies, you accept their death. Inside you know they are at peace and in turn so are you even if you miss them. My situation is different of course. The death here was the death of a future, a dream and a sense of security. I have accepted the dream is gone. I do not love this man anymore. I accept that my daughter will never have a normal relationship with her biological father. I accept that I could do nothing to change this situation. I accept that none of this was my fault.
However there are things that can not be as easy as forgive and forget. I can forgive him for hurting me, not for playing a part in hurting children. Forgetting is completely out of the question. It is just plain UNSAFE to forget what he has done. That is the issue I have with my mother-in-law, the fact that she wants to forgive and forget. This crime is not one that can be pushed into the back of our minds. There are no clean slates with a pedophile. There will always be a part of him that is sick and pretending that he can change puts my daughter in danger.
I will never allow my child to be alone with him. I will fight against his family supervising any visits. In fact, I will fight any kind of visitation at all... though I know that there is a high probability that they will happen someday... under state supervision most likely... I know this man will fight for visitation without supervision or with lax supervision of his parents who surely trust him enough to leave him alone with her... It terrifies me. His mother will pay for his fight because she believes in him. Unfortunately, this means I no longer trust her. I can not accept her support for my X.
Acceptance is a mixed bag for me. The idea is nice... accept and move on. Yet, I know that he will never stop pushing. Trying to control me in anyway he can. Terrorizing me with complaint after complaint, possibly holding my life under a microscope. How can this ever be conducive to forgive and forget? To acceptance?
When someone dies, you accept their death. Inside you know they are at peace and in turn so are you even if you miss them. My situation is different of course. The death here was the death of a future, a dream and a sense of security. I have accepted the dream is gone. I do not love this man anymore. I accept that my daughter will never have a normal relationship with her biological father. I accept that I could do nothing to change this situation. I accept that none of this was my fault.
However there are things that can not be as easy as forgive and forget. I can forgive him for hurting me, not for playing a part in hurting children. Forgetting is completely out of the question. It is just plain UNSAFE to forget what he has done. That is the issue I have with my mother-in-law, the fact that she wants to forgive and forget. This crime is not one that can be pushed into the back of our minds. There are no clean slates with a pedophile. There will always be a part of him that is sick and pretending that he can change puts my daughter in danger.
I will never allow my child to be alone with him. I will fight against his family supervising any visits. In fact, I will fight any kind of visitation at all... though I know that there is a high probability that they will happen someday... under state supervision most likely... I know this man will fight for visitation without supervision or with lax supervision of his parents who surely trust him enough to leave him alone with her... It terrifies me. His mother will pay for his fight because she believes in him. Unfortunately, this means I no longer trust her. I can not accept her support for my X.
Acceptance is a mixed bag for me. The idea is nice... accept and move on. Yet, I know that he will never stop pushing. Trying to control me in anyway he can. Terrorizing me with complaint after complaint, possibly holding my life under a microscope. How can this ever be conducive to forgive and forget? To acceptance?
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