I received the letter from my X. The first ten pages were an attempt at an explanation and a plea for me not to choose divorce....
There are only so many I'm sorry's a person can hear from another. They become devoid of meaning when it seems that no/little responsibility is taken. Excuses should not go with apologies. I don't care the reasons behind you betraying me and hurting so many people, the fact is you seriously f*cked up. PERIOD. If you want to explain things fine, get it off your chest, but it should not come across as an excuse or justification. In this situation they don't exist.
His explanation for the child porn??: He said he was using legal porn as an escape and spent 2-3 hours a day downloading legal videos on legit porn sites.. (this is true they have the records) and when he ran out of money on his CC he moved to peer-shared files. He said that he would download a users entire library and go through an delete anything illegal... He didn't mean to have anything involving children downloaded... This is BS because his search history is in the records so I know he searched for certain illegal materials
No explanation was given for putting an ad on Craig’s list looking to hook up with someone or why he engaged in sexual conversations with a female he believed to be 15… No mention of being asked to resign from a school he once worked at b/c of inappropriate behavior (Of course I never knew about this! It happened way before we were together and of course it was never in any records because they just asked him to resign. My BIL told me after everything happened)
Here is a surprise... I was actually happy reading it... Why, you may ask? Well, because I felt nothing. I didn't cry, get stressed or get upset. I was over it! I know I still have a little ways to go till I am truly over it (if you ever really get over something like this) but it was a big step!
He did go over his day to day activities and it sounds like he is at summer camp! Playing ping pong, reading, cake at every meal... meanwhile I never have time to myself... yeah that part made me feel a little bitter...
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
A letter from Prison
I am expecting a letter. A letter that is 20 pages long and that is going to arrive in 3 separate envelopes. The letter is from my STBXH (soon to be ex-husband) and who knows what all is inside. I do know that I will read it or at least make the attempt to.
Why? Well, mostly because I am curious… also because I need to see if he says anything my lawyer needs to know. I will admit that the curiosity is a big motivator… I guess it is the longing to understand what signs I may have missed when we were together, or how he could think the way he did… I logically know I will never understand and reading this may be a waste of my time. It is very likely that it if full of “I’m sorry” and “I will always love you” which now I am numb to.
I think the hardest thing for people to understand is that he was normal in most every way. He was not creepy, or abusive. He was not gross or slimy… he was a normal man with a sick side. People don’t understand that the love doesn’t die instantly… I had to grieve the loss of the part of him that I loved. Taking him back NEVER crossed my mind, but that doesn’t mean losing the person I loved didn’t cause me pain. I have been working through it since day one. Therapy has helped and having a support system.
This letter will find me near the end of my grieving process. A place that is mostly numb to him and his pleas. Where I am happily raising my daughter on my own… with no need for him.
Why? Well, mostly because I am curious… also because I need to see if he says anything my lawyer needs to know. I will admit that the curiosity is a big motivator… I guess it is the longing to understand what signs I may have missed when we were together, or how he could think the way he did… I logically know I will never understand and reading this may be a waste of my time. It is very likely that it if full of “I’m sorry” and “I will always love you” which now I am numb to.
I think the hardest thing for people to understand is that he was normal in most every way. He was not creepy, or abusive. He was not gross or slimy… he was a normal man with a sick side. People don’t understand that the love doesn’t die instantly… I had to grieve the loss of the part of him that I loved. Taking him back NEVER crossed my mind, but that doesn’t mean losing the person I loved didn’t cause me pain. I have been working through it since day one. Therapy has helped and having a support system.
This letter will find me near the end of my grieving process. A place that is mostly numb to him and his pleas. Where I am happily raising my daughter on my own… with no need for him.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Just a thought
With out my daughter I honestly don't know if I would have survived the last year. Every struggle was worth it. I would cry a million tears if it meant she would get a million smiles.
After everything happened my first thought was not too panic, to stay calm for her. I was a robot just doing what I had to in order to keep the little life inside me healthy. I could not give in to the depression and devestation because SHE needed me. Then after just surviving for a month, she was born... and I woke up. Since then I have felt true happiness. No more pretending or putting on a brave front. I all of a sudden felt brave, truly brave. She gave me my life back.
Now in 2011 it is the two of us. Mother and daughter moving forward as a family. I love her and even after all the stress, heartbreak and public drama... I feel like the LUCKIEST woman in the world.
After everything happened my first thought was not too panic, to stay calm for her. I was a robot just doing what I had to in order to keep the little life inside me healthy. I could not give in to the depression and devestation because SHE needed me. Then after just surviving for a month, she was born... and I woke up. Since then I have felt true happiness. No more pretending or putting on a brave front. I all of a sudden felt brave, truly brave. She gave me my life back.
Now in 2011 it is the two of us. Mother and daughter moving forward as a family. I love her and even after all the stress, heartbreak and public drama... I feel like the LUCKIEST woman in the world.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Papers turned in..
Divorce papers have been turned over to my lawyer. She said if he does not contest anything I could be divorced in about 2 months.
The past ten months has been full of peeks and valleys. I mean the series of events went like this:
Bought a house
Got engaged
Got married
Got pregnant
My husband was arrested
Found out he had tried to meet a undercover officer he thought was 15...
Kicked him out (within 24 hours had changed the locks)
Was told he downloaded under-age porn on our shared computer
Had my first child
Watched my husbands mug shot flashed on TV...
Lived through his court dates (I did not attend)
He finally goes to prison
In between he tried many times to explain why... How could there ever be a reason that would make me understand? There is no such reason. No such excuse. I should have never listen anyway.I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Our marriage had no red flags, maybe an orange flag, no red. The lies were many, but there were truths too. My counselor reminds me that it was not all a lie. "The man is sick and you will never be able to trust him again but there were pure and real moments." he will tell me. "He wanted to be your husband." and "He did love you." This fails to make me feel better.
The fact that the love of my life (so far) is a now convicted pedophile.. makes my stomach turn. Obviously the love I once felt is gone. I am working through the pain and devastation. I smile and joke and always try to be positive, but inside I sometimes question what is was about me that attracted him. What made me so appealing to someone like him? Is it cause I look younger than my age? The freckles? The fact that I am goofy and have a "child like" sense of humor? I don't know and I never will. It is all so emotional and confusing. Putting it into words is impossible, which is probably making this hard to follow... I apologize for that.
I want it to be over. I want to move on, but I am still chipping away at the cement of the walls I built up around me. They are still trying to protect me from the emotions I have yet to feel.
The past ten months has been full of peeks and valleys. I mean the series of events went like this:
Bought a house
Got engaged
Got married
Got pregnant
My husband was arrested
Found out he had tried to meet a undercover officer he thought was 15...
Kicked him out (within 24 hours had changed the locks)
Was told he downloaded under-age porn on our shared computer
Had my first child
Watched my husbands mug shot flashed on TV...
Lived through his court dates (I did not attend)
He finally goes to prison
In between he tried many times to explain why... How could there ever be a reason that would make me understand? There is no such reason. No such excuse. I should have never listen anyway.I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Our marriage had no red flags, maybe an orange flag, no red. The lies were many, but there were truths too. My counselor reminds me that it was not all a lie. "The man is sick and you will never be able to trust him again but there were pure and real moments." he will tell me. "He wanted to be your husband." and "He did love you." This fails to make me feel better.
The fact that the love of my life (so far) is a now convicted pedophile.. makes my stomach turn. Obviously the love I once felt is gone. I am working through the pain and devastation. I smile and joke and always try to be positive, but inside I sometimes question what is was about me that attracted him. What made me so appealing to someone like him? Is it cause I look younger than my age? The freckles? The fact that I am goofy and have a "child like" sense of humor? I don't know and I never will. It is all so emotional and confusing. Putting it into words is impossible, which is probably making this hard to follow... I apologize for that.
I want it to be over. I want to move on, but I am still chipping away at the cement of the walls I built up around me. They are still trying to protect me from the emotions I have yet to feel.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I responded
I wrote him a letter. Summing up a lot of unsaid feelings and being clear with my intentions. I know he is going to request phone check ins or letters with info on how Nugget is doing. I guess we will cross that bridge when (and IF) we get there.
I am breathing a lot easier. It is nice to know that the harder part is behind me. Yes, there will be struggles, but overall the public part is done. The rest can be handle semi privately...
I really need my family to back off. I am 26 years old and I don't feel like reporting my every move to them. The lawyer will handle strategy. I will handle making the decisions. I am more than capable. I would like them to show that the have at least a little faith in me.
I am breathing a lot easier. It is nice to know that the harder part is behind me. Yes, there will be struggles, but overall the public part is done. The rest can be handle semi privately...
I really need my family to back off. I am 26 years old and I don't feel like reporting my every move to them. The lawyer will handle strategy. I will handle making the decisions. I am more than capable. I would like them to show that the have at least a little faith in me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Another thought..
It is funny how when we started dating and the whole time we were together I would get so excited to see his name on my caller ID, in my inbox and in my texts... Now my heart sinks whenever I see his name.
It is so hard to fully express the 180. I have been mad at him, but mostly I am just sad that he has made me feel this way.
It is so hard to fully express the 180. I have been mad at him, but mostly I am just sad that he has made me feel this way.
Today is he day.
He reports to prison today and he sent me a letter (email)...
In it he said he will give up all of the possessions and not make me take Nugget to prison if I put in writing that I will never terminate his rights.
First of all, I am pretty sure I can't terminate his rights... I mean I could ask, but most likely it wouldn't happen. (I have already asked a few questions on the topic)
Second, I wouldn't put it in writing anyway. I may not be able to do it now, but if he gets caught again or gets into drugs or becomes violent... Basically I am not going to do it.
It was hard to read the email. I felt extremely sad. It is hard to think that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the person you share so many happy memories with and the person you "once upon a time" were truly in love with is sick and scary person inside. I feel as though a lot of my happiest memories are tainted. I hate him for that.
In it he said he will give up all of the possessions and not make me take Nugget to prison if I put in writing that I will never terminate his rights.
First of all, I am pretty sure I can't terminate his rights... I mean I could ask, but most likely it wouldn't happen. (I have already asked a few questions on the topic)
Second, I wouldn't put it in writing anyway. I may not be able to do it now, but if he gets caught again or gets into drugs or becomes violent... Basically I am not going to do it.
It was hard to read the email. I felt extremely sad. It is hard to think that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the person you share so many happy memories with and the person you "once upon a time" were truly in love with is sick and scary person inside. I feel as though a lot of my happiest memories are tainted. I hate him for that.
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