I am expecting a letter. A letter that is 20 pages long and that is going to arrive in 3 separate envelopes. The letter is from my STBXH (soon to be ex-husband) and who knows what all is inside. I do know that I will read it or at least make the attempt to.
Why? Well, mostly because I am curious… also because I need to see if he says anything my lawyer needs to know. I will admit that the curiosity is a big motivator… I guess it is the longing to understand what signs I may have missed when we were together, or how he could think the way he did… I logically know I will never understand and reading this may be a waste of my time. It is very likely that it if full of “I’m sorry” and “I will always love you” which now I am numb to.
I think the hardest thing for people to understand is that he was normal in most every way. He was not creepy, or abusive. He was not gross or slimy… he was a normal man with a sick side. People don’t understand that the love doesn’t die instantly… I had to grieve the loss of the part of him that I loved. Taking him back NEVER crossed my mind, but that doesn’t mean losing the person I loved didn’t cause me pain. I have been working through it since day one. Therapy has helped and having a support system.
This letter will find me near the end of my grieving process. A place that is mostly numb to him and his pleas. Where I am happily raising my daughter on my own… with no need for him.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Just a thought
With out my daughter I honestly don't know if I would have survived the last year. Every struggle was worth it. I would cry a million tears if it meant she would get a million smiles.
After everything happened my first thought was not too panic, to stay calm for her. I was a robot just doing what I had to in order to keep the little life inside me healthy. I could not give in to the depression and devestation because SHE needed me. Then after just surviving for a month, she was born... and I woke up. Since then I have felt true happiness. No more pretending or putting on a brave front. I all of a sudden felt brave, truly brave. She gave me my life back.
Now in 2011 it is the two of us. Mother and daughter moving forward as a family. I love her and even after all the stress, heartbreak and public drama... I feel like the LUCKIEST woman in the world.
After everything happened my first thought was not too panic, to stay calm for her. I was a robot just doing what I had to in order to keep the little life inside me healthy. I could not give in to the depression and devestation because SHE needed me. Then after just surviving for a month, she was born... and I woke up. Since then I have felt true happiness. No more pretending or putting on a brave front. I all of a sudden felt brave, truly brave. She gave me my life back.
Now in 2011 it is the two of us. Mother and daughter moving forward as a family. I love her and even after all the stress, heartbreak and public drama... I feel like the LUCKIEST woman in the world.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Papers turned in..
Divorce papers have been turned over to my lawyer. She said if he does not contest anything I could be divorced in about 2 months.
The past ten months has been full of peeks and valleys. I mean the series of events went like this:
Bought a house
Got engaged
Got married
Got pregnant
My husband was arrested
Found out he had tried to meet a undercover officer he thought was 15...
Kicked him out (within 24 hours had changed the locks)
Was told he downloaded under-age porn on our shared computer
Had my first child
Watched my husbands mug shot flashed on TV...
Lived through his court dates (I did not attend)
He finally goes to prison
In between he tried many times to explain why... How could there ever be a reason that would make me understand? There is no such reason. No such excuse. I should have never listen anyway.I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Our marriage had no red flags, maybe an orange flag, no red. The lies were many, but there were truths too. My counselor reminds me that it was not all a lie. "The man is sick and you will never be able to trust him again but there were pure and real moments." he will tell me. "He wanted to be your husband." and "He did love you." This fails to make me feel better.
The fact that the love of my life (so far) is a now convicted pedophile.. makes my stomach turn. Obviously the love I once felt is gone. I am working through the pain and devastation. I smile and joke and always try to be positive, but inside I sometimes question what is was about me that attracted him. What made me so appealing to someone like him? Is it cause I look younger than my age? The freckles? The fact that I am goofy and have a "child like" sense of humor? I don't know and I never will. It is all so emotional and confusing. Putting it into words is impossible, which is probably making this hard to follow... I apologize for that.
I want it to be over. I want to move on, but I am still chipping away at the cement of the walls I built up around me. They are still trying to protect me from the emotions I have yet to feel.
The past ten months has been full of peeks and valleys. I mean the series of events went like this:
Bought a house
Got engaged
Got married
Got pregnant
My husband was arrested
Found out he had tried to meet a undercover officer he thought was 15...
Kicked him out (within 24 hours had changed the locks)
Was told he downloaded under-age porn on our shared computer
Had my first child
Watched my husbands mug shot flashed on TV...
Lived through his court dates (I did not attend)
He finally goes to prison
In between he tried many times to explain why... How could there ever be a reason that would make me understand? There is no such reason. No such excuse. I should have never listen anyway.I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Our marriage had no red flags, maybe an orange flag, no red. The lies were many, but there were truths too. My counselor reminds me that it was not all a lie. "The man is sick and you will never be able to trust him again but there were pure and real moments." he will tell me. "He wanted to be your husband." and "He did love you." This fails to make me feel better.
The fact that the love of my life (so far) is a now convicted pedophile.. makes my stomach turn. Obviously the love I once felt is gone. I am working through the pain and devastation. I smile and joke and always try to be positive, but inside I sometimes question what is was about me that attracted him. What made me so appealing to someone like him? Is it cause I look younger than my age? The freckles? The fact that I am goofy and have a "child like" sense of humor? I don't know and I never will. It is all so emotional and confusing. Putting it into words is impossible, which is probably making this hard to follow... I apologize for that.
I want it to be over. I want to move on, but I am still chipping away at the cement of the walls I built up around me. They are still trying to protect me from the emotions I have yet to feel.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I responded
I wrote him a letter. Summing up a lot of unsaid feelings and being clear with my intentions. I know he is going to request phone check ins or letters with info on how Nugget is doing. I guess we will cross that bridge when (and IF) we get there.
I am breathing a lot easier. It is nice to know that the harder part is behind me. Yes, there will be struggles, but overall the public part is done. The rest can be handle semi privately...
I really need my family to back off. I am 26 years old and I don't feel like reporting my every move to them. The lawyer will handle strategy. I will handle making the decisions. I am more than capable. I would like them to show that the have at least a little faith in me.
I am breathing a lot easier. It is nice to know that the harder part is behind me. Yes, there will be struggles, but overall the public part is done. The rest can be handle semi privately...
I really need my family to back off. I am 26 years old and I don't feel like reporting my every move to them. The lawyer will handle strategy. I will handle making the decisions. I am more than capable. I would like them to show that the have at least a little faith in me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Another thought..
It is funny how when we started dating and the whole time we were together I would get so excited to see his name on my caller ID, in my inbox and in my texts... Now my heart sinks whenever I see his name.
It is so hard to fully express the 180. I have been mad at him, but mostly I am just sad that he has made me feel this way.
It is so hard to fully express the 180. I have been mad at him, but mostly I am just sad that he has made me feel this way.
Today is he day.
He reports to prison today and he sent me a letter (email)...
In it he said he will give up all of the possessions and not make me take Nugget to prison if I put in writing that I will never terminate his rights.
First of all, I am pretty sure I can't terminate his rights... I mean I could ask, but most likely it wouldn't happen. (I have already asked a few questions on the topic)
Second, I wouldn't put it in writing anyway. I may not be able to do it now, but if he gets caught again or gets into drugs or becomes violent... Basically I am not going to do it.
It was hard to read the email. I felt extremely sad. It is hard to think that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the person you share so many happy memories with and the person you "once upon a time" were truly in love with is sick and scary person inside. I feel as though a lot of my happiest memories are tainted. I hate him for that.
In it he said he will give up all of the possessions and not make me take Nugget to prison if I put in writing that I will never terminate his rights.
First of all, I am pretty sure I can't terminate his rights... I mean I could ask, but most likely it wouldn't happen. (I have already asked a few questions on the topic)
Second, I wouldn't put it in writing anyway. I may not be able to do it now, but if he gets caught again or gets into drugs or becomes violent... Basically I am not going to do it.
It was hard to read the email. I felt extremely sad. It is hard to think that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the person you share so many happy memories with and the person you "once upon a time" were truly in love with is sick and scary person inside. I feel as though a lot of my happiest memories are tainted. I hate him for that.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Been MIA
I needed a break. A break from this whole mess.
It has now been almost a month since his sentence was handed out and he should be called to serve it any day now. When I have saved up enough money, I will be obtaining a lawyer and this marraige will be officially over legally. Of course it was over for me on June 6th, 2010.
I have been moving forward. His family was down here for a visit and Nugget spent time with her grandparents and cousin. I do intend to keep the line of communication open with them. I just hope they understand that their son is not going to be involved.
I can't believe my daughter is 6 months old. She is sitting up and rolling around. She even has gotten close to crawling! I guess the one thing about being a single parent that I love is knowing those moments are mine and mine alone. I would love to share them of course, but knowing that I have been able to be everything to her helps me feel accomplished.
I love watching her grow.
It has now been almost a month since his sentence was handed out and he should be called to serve it any day now. When I have saved up enough money, I will be obtaining a lawyer and this marraige will be officially over legally. Of course it was over for me on June 6th, 2010.
I have been moving forward. His family was down here for a visit and Nugget spent time with her grandparents and cousin. I do intend to keep the line of communication open with them. I just hope they understand that their son is not going to be involved.
I can't believe my daughter is 6 months old. She is sitting up and rolling around. She even has gotten close to crawling! I guess the one thing about being a single parent that I love is knowing those moments are mine and mine alone. I would love to share them of course, but knowing that I have been able to be everything to her helps me feel accomplished.
I love watching her grow.
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