Once upon a time...
...I always smelled like my orange blossom lotion
...4:30am didn't exist to me
...The only thing was changed every two hours was my mind
...The only thing I needed to remember when I left the house was my purse and it's contacts
...bottles were glass and contained beer
...I watched the news in the morning
...I could take long hot showers
...I could wake up 45mins before I had to leave for work
I currently (and quite often) smell like sour soy formula. I was awaken at 4:30am had to feed, change and dress the baby... only to have her poop and spit up 2 mins later so I could do parts 2 & 3 again. I set her in her bouncer and took a 5 min shower. Then I turned on some cartoons to distract her long enough to put on minimal make-up for work, get her bag ready, get my bag ready and warm up the car. The last step before we walk out the door is to put her in her fleece suit, buckle her into her carseat and load everything in the car. Now we are on our way to the sitter's house where I will drop her off and go over a few daily checklists, during which time the baby spits-up a little bit more on my coat before I leave for work. So, I got up at 4:30 and rushed around for 3 hours and finally pull into the parking garage to START the day! Ha!
This is a typical day. I rush around. I have very little, if any, time for me. I skip meals because I forget to eat, or I don't have time. My life has changed so much and yet I am happier.
Nugget is worth it.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Love her
This is going to be short and sappy.
I love my child. More than anything in the world. More than anything I could ever imagine.
When she smiles at me the fact that she just woke me up at 4am doesn't matter.
Her cry cuts through me like no other sound and when her tears run down her cheeks I want nothing more than to comfort her.
The fact that I am the only one she wants when she is sad and/or tired makes me feel so wonderful because I want to be that person.
For every soiled diaper there is a laugh. For every shirt she has spit-up on there is happy coo. For every stretch mark, pound gained and hair lost there is a smile and honestly this makes it more than worth it.
I love being her mother.
I love my child. More than anything in the world. More than anything I could ever imagine.
When she smiles at me the fact that she just woke me up at 4am doesn't matter.
Her cry cuts through me like no other sound and when her tears run down her cheeks I want nothing more than to comfort her.
The fact that I am the only one she wants when she is sad and/or tired makes me feel so wonderful because I want to be that person.
For every soiled diaper there is a laugh. For every shirt she has spit-up on there is happy coo. For every stretch mark, pound gained and hair lost there is a smile and honestly this makes it more than worth it.
I love being her mother.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
My Amazing Day, Part 2
On my way to the Portrait Studio I stopped at a nearby Bob Evan’s for some breakfast. While I was there I was approached by an older woman and we chatted about The baby for a minute. After she left my waitress came up to me and let me know that the woman I was talking too had paid my check!! She said Nugget was beautiful and wished us a merry Christmas… It was the most wonderful random act of kindness! She couldn’t have known how hard my life has been and I don’t think she will ever know how amazing it made me feel. It was a great reminder that there are some wonderful people out there and they could be eating breakfast right across from you.
Thank you Breakfast Angel!
Thank you Breakfast Angel!
My Amazing Day Part 1
I want to update all 2 of my readers on my amazing day! I am going to do it in two parts because my breakfast angel deserves special props.
The day started at 6am when Nugget woke up (for the third time since 3am… not a good start!) and we started to get ready for our BIG DAY. I say BIG DAY because we had a lot scheduled into my one (non-holiday) day off. Her 4 month appt was that morning followed by her first set of professional photos and we rounded out the day with a trip to Target to stock up on diapers and other needs. I was really worried about having her vaccinations and pictures in the same day but I couldn’t take another day off with Christmas/New Years coming up and I could only get my pics done on a weekday. My foster sister works at this portrait studio and set me up with a free package J
Like I said she had a bad night and I was extremely worried that our day was going to be a tough one. Luckily it turns out that Nugget was just backed up and one poopy diaper later she was in a splendid mood! We got her a bath and picked out 4 outfits for the pictures because she spits up a little after eating and I wanted to be super prepared. Grabbed a variety of hair bows, a warm blanket and we were on our way!
Her doc. appt went great! She is a big girl with both weight and height in the 93rd percentile! So Nugget basically looks like a 6 months old and the doctor was impressed with her strength. Looks like I have a little athlete on my hands. Anyway she got her shots and took them like a champ. She cried for about a min but it was a soft whimper and not a complete meltdown. So far, so good!
Next stop was the portrait studio. I was worried that Nug would sleep through the whole shoot but she perked up just before our time. The best thing was that she didn’t fuss or spit up the entire time, even though she was on her belly a lot! Nugget can be a pretty fussy girl, she is not a fan of tummy time and she spits up often… but not yesterday!! It was like she was a whole new baby! M (my foster sister) did and excellent job with Nugget. We had a lot of material to choose from and I was really happy to finally have some professional shots of my little girl. After the pictures were done we went shopping and she slept the whole time.
The day started at 6am when Nugget woke up (for the third time since 3am… not a good start!) and we started to get ready for our BIG DAY. I say BIG DAY because we had a lot scheduled into my one (non-holiday) day off. Her 4 month appt was that morning followed by her first set of professional photos and we rounded out the day with a trip to Target to stock up on diapers and other needs. I was really worried about having her vaccinations and pictures in the same day but I couldn’t take another day off with Christmas/New Years coming up and I could only get my pics done on a weekday. My foster sister works at this portrait studio and set me up with a free package J
Like I said she had a bad night and I was extremely worried that our day was going to be a tough one. Luckily it turns out that Nugget was just backed up and one poopy diaper later she was in a splendid mood! We got her a bath and picked out 4 outfits for the pictures because she spits up a little after eating and I wanted to be super prepared. Grabbed a variety of hair bows, a warm blanket and we were on our way!
Her doc. appt went great! She is a big girl with both weight and height in the 93rd percentile! So Nugget basically looks like a 6 months old and the doctor was impressed with her strength. Looks like I have a little athlete on my hands. Anyway she got her shots and took them like a champ. She cried for about a min but it was a soft whimper and not a complete meltdown. So far, so good!
Next stop was the portrait studio. I was worried that Nug would sleep through the whole shoot but she perked up just before our time. The best thing was that she didn’t fuss or spit up the entire time, even though she was on her belly a lot! Nugget can be a pretty fussy girl, she is not a fan of tummy time and she spits up often… but not yesterday!! It was like she was a whole new baby! M (my foster sister) did and excellent job with Nugget. We had a lot of material to choose from and I was really happy to finally have some professional shots of my little girl. After the pictures were done we went shopping and she slept the whole time.
Monday, November 22, 2010
ILs Thanksgiving
I decided to go to my IL's Thanksgiving. Mostly because I knew X would not be there and I would not be going up for Christmas. The trip as a whole was succsessful. We went, talked, ate then left. No big deal.
On the way home Nugget was over tired from being held and played with all day. She screamed for about 15 mins in the car so I pulled over. I fed her walked around with her and we went on our merry way once again.... 10 minutes later she starts screaming again! After 15 mins of trying to put her pacifier in her mouth with no luck, I pull over again. I walk her around get her to calm down and fall asleep so I load her up in her car seat and take off.... 15 mins later she is screaming again! I pull over, re-check her diaper, try to burp her, soothe her and once again try to leave. This time she cries for another 5 mins till she finally passes out.
I am now driving, in the dark, mentally and physically exausted when see something I wish I didn't have to see. I drove right past the park where my X got arrested for attempting to meet up with a teen girl. Everything came flooding into my head. Why I was driving alone with a baby, why he was not invited to Thanksgiving, why my little family is the way it is.
I became angry. What a a$$hole! How could he do this to me, my daughter and our families? How could that thought even cross his mind?
By the time I got home I was tired, pissed, sick (I have a cough/sore throat) and all I wanted was sleep but I could get my brain to slow down. I will never understand. I will just never understand.
On the way home Nugget was over tired from being held and played with all day. She screamed for about 15 mins in the car so I pulled over. I fed her walked around with her and we went on our merry way once again.... 10 minutes later she starts screaming again! After 15 mins of trying to put her pacifier in her mouth with no luck, I pull over again. I walk her around get her to calm down and fall asleep so I load her up in her car seat and take off.... 15 mins later she is screaming again! I pull over, re-check her diaper, try to burp her, soothe her and once again try to leave. This time she cries for another 5 mins till she finally passes out.
I am now driving, in the dark, mentally and physically exausted when see something I wish I didn't have to see. I drove right past the park where my X got arrested for attempting to meet up with a teen girl. Everything came flooding into my head. Why I was driving alone with a baby, why he was not invited to Thanksgiving, why my little family is the way it is.
I became angry. What a a$$hole! How could he do this to me, my daughter and our families? How could that thought even cross his mind?
By the time I got home I was tired, pissed, sick (I have a cough/sore throat) and all I wanted was sleep but I could get my brain to slow down. I will never understand. I will just never understand.
Monday, November 15, 2010
"It's like having a partner.." Umm NO!
Do I live with my parents? Yes. Are they helpful? Yes. BUT they are not a partner. People are always saying; "Oh, at least your parents are there so you are not alone... you can dump the baby on them and go out... you have a built in baby sitter... you have all that help... it's like having a partner" Actually, No, it's not like that.
Grandma and Grandpa stepped up when I had my c-section. They helped me 24/7 when I was physically compromised. They have had days where they took Baby Nugget to a local fair or festival without me. It is convenient to have them there when I need to run to the corner store to get milk or formula. My mom can pick up the baby from daycare if she gets off work early and can give me a short break if I feel overwhelmed. In other words my parents are helpful and I appreciate all they do.... BUT...
My parents usually will only go about one hour with the baby while she is awake. (Nugget can be a very fussy baby at times.) This gives me time to clean and do chores before I am tapped back into the game. They both work full time and have varying schedules so they are not always home. They do not wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. They do not buy her formula and other baby items (other than the occasional gifts). They go out without the baby all the time. They are not called home from work when Nugget is sick. I have to ask my parents for help and they can say no. I take care of the baby 95% of the time (other than when I am at work). They have a life and make plans without asking me all the time.
If I had a partner we could split the duties, even if I did all the baby stuff, he could do the dishes and the laundry. He could take one night shift with the baby when I needed sleep. It probably wouldn't be 50/50 but it would be easier on me.
Like I said I do appreciate my parents. They are not Nugget's mother, I am. They did not sign up for co-parenting duties. They are the grandparents. Some women have no help and I am thankful for every minute of support. They love her and Baby Nugget loves them too. This post was in no way complaining about them, not for a second. I just want people to know that just because I live with my mom and dad, it doesn't mean Nugget has 3 parents.
Grandma and Grandpa stepped up when I had my c-section. They helped me 24/7 when I was physically compromised. They have had days where they took Baby Nugget to a local fair or festival without me. It is convenient to have them there when I need to run to the corner store to get milk or formula. My mom can pick up the baby from daycare if she gets off work early and can give me a short break if I feel overwhelmed. In other words my parents are helpful and I appreciate all they do.... BUT...
My parents usually will only go about one hour with the baby while she is awake. (Nugget can be a very fussy baby at times.) This gives me time to clean and do chores before I am tapped back into the game. They both work full time and have varying schedules so they are not always home. They do not wake up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. They do not buy her formula and other baby items (other than the occasional gifts). They go out without the baby all the time. They are not called home from work when Nugget is sick. I have to ask my parents for help and they can say no. I take care of the baby 95% of the time (other than when I am at work). They have a life and make plans without asking me all the time.
If I had a partner we could split the duties, even if I did all the baby stuff, he could do the dishes and the laundry. He could take one night shift with the baby when I needed sleep. It probably wouldn't be 50/50 but it would be easier on me.
Like I said I do appreciate my parents. They are not Nugget's mother, I am. They did not sign up for co-parenting duties. They are the grandparents. Some women have no help and I am thankful for every minute of support. They love her and Baby Nugget loves them too. This post was in no way complaining about them, not for a second. I just want people to know that just because I live with my mom and dad, it doesn't mean Nugget has 3 parents.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Happy Anniversary... ::cricket, cricket::
My first anniversary was this past Friday. Last year on November 5th I pledged my heart and soul to someone. I said forever and at the time I meant it. I would have stuck through the most problems. The only exceptions in my mind were abuse and multiple infidelities… Well, the bad times in our relationship were much worse.
I will never forget the police knocking on my door. The neighbors standing outside staring and whispering. How the detective tried to comfort me with small talk about my pregnancy. More than anything I will remember how ashamed I felt to be his wife. Every moment spent with him up to that point had made me nothing but happy. We hardly ever fought. We said I love you all the time. We spent so much time together smiling, laughing, kissing and I always felt so lucky to have him in my life. Now I was embarrassed, scared and confused.
The local news ran the story. The last time he was on the news it was because he had helped raise money for a local family to buy a handicap accessible van… I was proud to be his wife then. The hardest part for me has been the lack of warning signs. Yes, he coached high school girls, but I always had male coaches. He never acted weird and even fired a JV coach for inappropriate behavior. How could I have missed it. Can I trust my instincts? I am rambling…
This post is about how much can truly change in a year. I believe that after some time, healing and therapy I will reach a point when I will believe in forever again. Forever with the right person. I want my daughter to believe in that. I will try my best not to be bitter because she deserves to believe in fairy tales and true love… and so do I.
I will never forget the police knocking on my door. The neighbors standing outside staring and whispering. How the detective tried to comfort me with small talk about my pregnancy. More than anything I will remember how ashamed I felt to be his wife. Every moment spent with him up to that point had made me nothing but happy. We hardly ever fought. We said I love you all the time. We spent so much time together smiling, laughing, kissing and I always felt so lucky to have him in my life. Now I was embarrassed, scared and confused.
The local news ran the story. The last time he was on the news it was because he had helped raise money for a local family to buy a handicap accessible van… I was proud to be his wife then. The hardest part for me has been the lack of warning signs. Yes, he coached high school girls, but I always had male coaches. He never acted weird and even fired a JV coach for inappropriate behavior. How could I have missed it. Can I trust my instincts? I am rambling…
This post is about how much can truly change in a year. I believe that after some time, healing and therapy I will reach a point when I will believe in forever again. Forever with the right person. I want my daughter to believe in that. I will try my best not to be bitter because she deserves to believe in fairy tales and true love… and so do I.
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