2cm Dilated

I am 2cm dilated! 60% effaced and station 1! Yikes it could be any time now!

With all of the drama in my life I just want a new focus. I am so excited to have this little girl in my arms.

I have told STBXH that he is not permitted to attend the birth or come down after. Giving birth is going to be so emotionally and physically taxing the last thing I need is to be reminded of everything he did to me and our family.

I am as ready as possible for this baby. I have washed the clothing, set up the crib, I have diapers, wipes and both of our bags are packed :)

"So you are giving up?"

I talked to STBXH (Soon to be ex-husband) yesterday and everytime I do it is extremely hard.

I told him that I didn't want to talk to him much if at all, that I didn't want him at the birth and that I was unsure that he would even be involved with his daughter when she arrives. He sounded so heartbroken and I know he is, but he made the bad choices that lead me to these decisions. He asked me about our marriage and I told him I did not trust him and would never trust him in a relationship ever again. His response was:

"So you are giving up?"

Really? I am giving up!?! You cheated on me and got arrested trying to meet up with a teenager! You gave up on this marriage before it had a chance to start. You are now facing federal charges that could land you in jail for at least 5 years and would have you labeled as a sex offender (a pedophile no less).

How dare he try to make me feel guilty.

Update on Life (and my trip to NH/VT)

Update on latest news:
First off, I am feeling physically fine. The baby is doing well and that is what is important.

Looks like my future X is going away for a while. Maybe more than 5 years. My parents went to public records to read the transcripts, evidence and charges against him... and it is worse then anyone thought.

The file claims there are hundreds of pictures on his old computer (not the one we shared). I really can't say anymore because it makes me feel ill and upsets me too much.

I wanted to believe that this wasn't as bad as it seemed. Leaving him was never up for debate really I knew I couldn't ever trust him completely again. Now I don't trust him at all.

New Hampshire/Vermont Trip


This past weekend I was in Vermont for my cousin's wedding and it was beautiful. I did have to excuse myself for a minute because I started to cry and didn't want to sob in front of the whole reception. Overall though, it was wonderful. They were so happy and in love. All 3 of my cousin's (all young men now) are great examples of what a man should be. I will never give up the belief in true love, but for now my focus is on the most inprotant love in my life, my daughter.

Happy and Sad on Father's day

I have an amazing father, a wonderful grandfather and many uncles and cousins who are all great dads.

It makes me so sad that my little girl may not have a father to be proud of. I thought this man was going to provide for us and protect us and now he will most likely not be a part of her life at all.

I am lucky to still have my dad around to help show my daughter how a real man takes care of his family, with love and support. I know it is mostly because of his good example that I have the strength to keep negative men out of my life.

He helps me remember that there are good men out there. I hope someday one will find me (cause I am not looking anytime soon!). Until then my focus is on a little girl who deserves something to be proud of, maybe that something will be me.

5 years

He could be gone for at least 5 years. I know he is scared and the part of me that still cares about him feels horrible.

But the bigger part of me that hates him right now thinks it will be easier to move on with him gone.

For 2 years I loved him and he lied to me. This child was created out of that love at least on my part. Yes, there were lies and horrible choices were made resulting in many broken hearts including mine, but I will never forget that this child is innocent and deserves all of my love and protection.

I will give her everything I can. Making her life a happy one is my number one goal.

Baby and Mommy Update

The baby is doing fine. She seems to be handling the stress better then her mommy. Heart tones are good, movement is good and she is measuring perfect.

I have started drinking Boost shakes to make up for my lack of eating and trying to drink tons of water all day. My head is pounding today though I made it in to work and I have to say I love everyone I work with. They have been so supportive and helpful through this. I am proud to be on the team :)

All I want is some normal in my life. My little girl deserves to be brought into the world surrounded by love, not chaos.

Normal, Not Normal

Normal: I get up and shower
Not Normal: I cry through the whole shower

Normal: I brush my teeth
Not Normal: I don't do it till noon because I forgot to do it earlier

Normal: I eat
Not Normal: Though my stomach growls I feel nauseous everytime I bring a bite to my lips.

Normal: I dream about my husband and I being happy together.
Not Normal: These dreams make me feel physically ill and disgusted.

Normal: I feel happiness and excitement when I think about my baby.
Not Normal: I also feel a deep saddness that the day she is born will not be what I always thought it would be.

Nothing is really normal anymore and that is a scary thing to realize. On a good note, I laughed today. I forgot about everything long enough to enjoy a joke.

I know things will get easier but, I accept that there is a very tough and bumpy road ahead.