5 years

He could be gone for at least 5 years. I know he is scared and the part of me that still cares about him feels horrible.

But the bigger part of me that hates him right now thinks it will be easier to move on with him gone.

For 2 years I loved him and he lied to me. This child was created out of that love at least on my part. Yes, there were lies and horrible choices were made resulting in many broken hearts including mine, but I will never forget that this child is innocent and deserves all of my love and protection.

I will give her everything I can. Making her life a happy one is my number one goal.

Baby and Mommy Update

The baby is doing fine. She seems to be handling the stress better then her mommy. Heart tones are good, movement is good and she is measuring perfect.

I have started drinking Boost shakes to make up for my lack of eating and trying to drink tons of water all day. My head is pounding today though I made it in to work and I have to say I love everyone I work with. They have been so supportive and helpful through this. I am proud to be on the team :)

All I want is some normal in my life. My little girl deserves to be brought into the world surrounded by love, not chaos.

Normal, Not Normal

Normal: I get up and shower
Not Normal: I cry through the whole shower

Normal: I brush my teeth
Not Normal: I don't do it till noon because I forgot to do it earlier

Normal: I eat
Not Normal: Though my stomach growls I feel nauseous everytime I bring a bite to my lips.

Normal: I dream about my husband and I being happy together.
Not Normal: These dreams make me feel physically ill and disgusted.

Normal: I feel happiness and excitement when I think about my baby.
Not Normal: I also feel a deep saddness that the day she is born will not be what I always thought it would be.

Nothing is really normal anymore and that is a scary thing to realize. On a good note, I laughed today. I forgot about everything long enough to enjoy a joke.

I know things will get easier but, I accept that there is a very tough and bumpy road ahead.

I will never understand

I will never understand why he did what he did

I will never understand how I could misjudge a person so greatly

I will never understand how anyone could hurt me so badly

I will never understand how anyone would put my baby in this position

I will never understand this week, these past 2 years and why this happend to me.

A new life: Now a Blog of Emotional Survival

I was blindsided with devestaing new on Tuesday and will now be raising my daughter as a single parent. I can't bring myself to relive through writing why this decision was made, just know that the man in my life made some horrible choices and I am not going to let them be associated with my daughter.

Not everything I write will make sense, nothing seems to make sense to me right now. Life right now is about keeping myself healthy for my baby and surviving this hard time.

Baby Shower

I had a wonderful baby shower on Sunday and I couldn't be happier! My Aunt and my cousin did an amazing job. All the food was great and the games were perfect, not too over the top. Everybody had a great time and all of my family came out for the occasion. My 3 aunts came from PA, RC's family came down from Toledo and my Great Grandma (99 years old!) made it!

I wish I had pictures but I didn't have a camera... My mom and dad bought us a new one though! We got all of the big items: Crib, Pack-N-Play, The Travel System, bouncer and tons of clothes. My little girl is going to be way more stylish than I am! My Great Grandmother made her a beautiful blanket which is amazing!

We are excited to get everything organized, washed and set up. There are still some small items to get but nothing we can't handle. My coworkers are also giving me a small shower next week so that should be fun too. I will post some pics as soon as I get my hands on some :)

Week 31 update

How far along? 31 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I am no longer answering this question...

How Big is Baby? About 4lbs

Stretch marks? Found one under my belly

Sleep: I wish I could do it all the time...

Movement: All day!

Food cravings: Ice cream

Food aversions: Not really.

Symptoms: Fatigue, shortness of breath when I walk up stairs, leg cramps

Belly Button in or out?: Still in.

What I am looking forward to: My shower on Sunday!

Weekly Wisdom: Take it easy

Weekly Joy: Got a free DQ blizzard at work today!